Saturday, April 23, 2011

How it all started...

 A little bit... or maybe a lot about me.

I'm sure many of you have had "the question" asked at least once by some one whether it's a friend, family member or some random person. I've been asked so many times I've learned it's better to just simply say the fastest answer rather than actually trying to explain. So now you might be wondering what question is that exactly?  It's the simple "why do you like to read?" Ever since my love of reading started I've been constantly asked and at first I would try to explain but people just couldn't seem to understand. It come to a point where I would just simply answer with a " just because it's fun" to stop the questions. yes, it's fun to read but really that's not the only reason I love reading. In order to fully understand where it all began I would have to take you all back to my childhood specifically age 9 or 10 or maybe even further.

I was born October 9, 1992 to my father Hipolito and my mom Margarita their second child together and their last. My mother and father met at their work place they were both divorced and I guess love grew between them, they married and had my brother 5 years later I was born. I was the accident they loved or at least that what my mom once told me lol.  I was my father's princess for exactly 2 years we didn't get more than that. My father passed away 3 days after my second birthday from health complications I never got the chance to know him.

I never felt anything was missing in my life that is until about 5th grade when I saw my friends with their dads that was the first time I felt the absence of my father deeply. I remember thinking how lucky they were to have their dads with them. I remember going to the store and seeing those "daddy's little girl" t-shirt's and thinking I could never wear one of those. It was during those times I was also going through some body issues.  I wasn't aware of it at that time but I was going through some-what of a depression. I don't know if my family ever noticed it I've learned to be very good at hiding my emotions I was always the quiet child at school and during this time I just retreated into my shell even more. It was only at home with my family that I would laugh, scream, be crazy but when ever I cried I always hid on the bathroom I didn't want them to see.

I was a girl who hid her feelings, who would fake a smile when she wanted to cry the most. Even when I gave in to the tears it would be in the bathroom and I would pinch myself to stop the tears to feel pain instead of sadness.  I had a diary where I would some times write about boys I liked (even then I was a flirt lol) but there were also very dark letters to myself where I wrote suicide notes. During 6th grade my  depression became worse I became suicidal. I remember once where I just felt it was better to die to simply stop feeling I remember going to the kitchen and grabbing a knife and thinking about cutting my writs. I never when through with it though because I would think of my mom who loves me so much and I felt I couldn't cause her so much pain. I thinking going so  far as to actually grab a knife shocked me enought that I never tried it again.

 Me and my nieces whom I love very much Yesi, Elizabeth, Me, Lucia. camera caught me unprepared lol

7th and 8th grade of my life were quiet nothing happened I was neither happy nor sad it just simply the time were I had begun to see how destructive I was against myslef it was the year I felt I had to change for my own good. During this time I began to come out of my shell little by little. My freshman year of high school I met a girl named Erin in cooking class the firs time I saw her she was reading. The book was called MARS by Fuyumi Soryo it was a manga.
MARS at Goodreads
This book and Erin changed my life in ways I don't think she ever really knew. It was this book that started my love of reading, it was this book that saved me. When I saw her I remember thinking how happy she looked reading how free she looked. It took some courage on my part to ask what she was reading she looked at me and handed me her book. I read a page and was hooked I guess she could tell because she said she would let me borrow it as soon as she finished it.  I read it and I loved it I kept thinking how wonderful the story had been how I wanted to keep reading more of it and told her the next day I saw her. I asked where I could find more and she answered our library had some but if I really wanted to find a big selection our local library had many. That was all it took that same week I took my first trip to the school library. At school I would often stop by and pick up other manga and when I finished the ones there I took my first trip to the local library. The first book I took out of the library was another manga with the same basic story plot at MARS it was called Kare First Love by Kaho Miyasaka
Kare First Love @ Goodreads
After reading MARS I continued reading more and more manga but I'm too much of a fast reader to be completely satisfied with only that so I decided it was time to try a YA book. The manga section and YA books were side by side so it wasn't hard to find them (they have now been moved across but still are pretty close) the first YA book I checked out with my brother's library card was Crank  by Ellen Hopkins.
Crank @ Goodreads
If you've read any Ellen Hopkins books you probably know how powerful they are. It was this book that made me realize I don't have to be perfect I have to be just me, imperfect in all my glory. I was very susceptible to peer pressure and this book made me realize drugs aren't some thing to mess with it made me realize drugs aren't the way to escape. Instead of doing what friends were doing I read, reading became my way of escaping. I would immerse myself into what ever book I had and just lose myself in it. So to answer the question "why do I read?" because reading gives me the freedom to escape, to express what ever emotion I'm feeling, to cry, laugh, scream, get angry. I can just lose myself in an unknown world I almost feel like it's me in the story not the characters or at least I feel like I'm alongside them. When I fished a book I feel so happy like I've accomplished something it makes me feel alive. 

Basically I love reading because I feel it saved me in many ways saved my life, my mind, just simply saved me from me. I haven't felt sad or suicidal in so many years I feel very alive and I'm so thankful for having a family that loves me as much as mine does. I feel thankful for the friends that I've made those that brightened my days when I felt especially sad and most of all I feel thankful to all those authors who wrote the stories that saved me. I don't know if they will ever know just how thankful I really am but at the end of the day the best way to show my thanks is to live with no regrets, to laugh as much as possible, to love with all my heart just to Live.  As I write this I feel very happy to have been able to share this with you all and even though it's a very personal story I don't regret sharing it. Now let me be the one to ask you, "what made you read or what made you love reading?" thanks for reading hw it all started have a nice weekend every one

                 as always , Carol


  1. I love how you turned to reading instead of drugs. It's hard to accept yourself at age 18 and that's wonderful a book helped you do that.

  2. Hope you have an amazing day! :) Shauna from

  3. Such a lovely blog. New follower. Following you as well now.


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